The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
