good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize