Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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