I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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