Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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