but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
