Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
