I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
How's work?
Spinning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
