When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
