she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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