Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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