I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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