My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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