you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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