I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
