Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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