just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
