thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize