I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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