wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
