When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
