He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
