Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
