I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
