you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
