you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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