your parents love me but you hate me
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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