He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
