I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
