Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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