Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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