12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
