She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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