Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
