i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
