it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize