please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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