I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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