pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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