My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
