i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
someone owes me an orgasm
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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