For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
