I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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