I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
