He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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