went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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