Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
