We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize