Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Shame - the story of my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
