I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
