All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
