You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
