I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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