yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
