i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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