This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
