pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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