Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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