Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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