My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
