Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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