Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
