The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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