I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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