He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
His nipple licking is glorious
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