Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
