New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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