Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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